Thanksgiving is Over!!!

blog title is pretty obvious, but eh.. sometimes you just need to be reminded...

it wasnt too shabby doing Thanksgiving with just gene, aidan, and myself.. due to some issues with our respective families (particular family members, rather, than the family as a whole), we have decided that we are going to do holiday activies with our little family instead of the whole rigamore of running from one house to another..

the idea of not buying gifts for a million people, and getting to focus on only buying for a few people is just LOVELY... i mean, Christmas shouldnt be about the gift giving, but rather the spirit of thanks and love and family... i fully intend of focusing on that rather than making sure that aidan gets the best of the best; i want him to really understand that it's more about spending time with family and helping people who arent able to have even basic necessities.

food wise, it was not difficult eating a ton of food and stuffing myself silly.. i was never a big eater on Thanksgiving for the past few years, so my 4oz. piece of turkey, with gravy, was pretty satisfying and yummy!!! aidan ate so much that he got sick that night.. poor guy looked sick, but eh.. its not uncommon, as his father was the same way..

on the not so holiday related, i have been feeling stupidly sick for the last 4 months... my crohns is not calming down (my GI doc has upped my Humera, so hopefully that will help with the flares and daily management), i had both my appendix and gallbladder removed on an emergency basis (see previous blogs), and then got a cold. a simple cold, you say?? not for this gal!!!

as crohns is an auto-immune disorder, a simple cold could end up with a hospital stay for me.. and i THOUGHT that with my Theraflu and various other OTC meds, i kicked it, but i continued to have a stupid runny nose, and headaches were getting pretty severe and common (by Thanksgiving, i was having daily headaches that lasted 2-3 hrs at a time, and occurred about 3-4 times a day.. i would go to bed with a headache and wake up with one too... it was frustrating, but i figured it was connected to my allergies, or perhaps just the change in weather... either way, i just stuck with Tylenol and loads of fluids..

but about a week ago, i started feeling SUPER lightheaded and dizzy when i stood up or sat up. whenever i got up from a laying/sitting position, i would be ok for about 5 seconds, then it would hit like a ton of bricks. i would feel like the room is spinning, everything would turn black, and i would feel like my heart was beating out of my chest... i would breathe through it and after about 10 seconds of that, i felt normal again. it is the most peculiar feeling!! by Thanksgiving, the fainting took over and gene and i decided an ER trip was in order..

you will never feel so low as when you leave your husband and step-son on the holiday to go to an ER, alone, on a holiday. i have never been so frustrated before.

they figured that my cold turned to a sinus infection, and the sinus infection turned into a brain infection... its an easy fix with antibiotics and Sudafed... they say the dizzy/lightheaded stuff is vertigo and another side effect of the infection.

im feeling really sad lately because of all of this. i wish that it were easier and my body wasnt so difficult. i thought the weight loss would end up HELPING with my various other body issues, not exacerbate and enhance further issues. i feel really low, but i know this too shall pass... i wish it would just end up passing quicker and not cause so much interruption to my life, work, and family. doesnt seem fair, but then again, their are many other people who have it far worse than i do, and i am pretty blessed... i will focus on that. i NEED to focus on that...

blog of randomness and unorganized thoughts

guess who got her gallbladder out last week??? this gal! im pretty sure there are no more organs they can willinging take. appendex? gone! 85% of stomach?? gone!! now galbladder! gone!!!

so this sets me back on going back to crossfit.. shocking. im such a freakin flake.

gene works tonight. he started a new job, and the training requires that he works and trains at night... not happy about having to go to bed all by myself, but i have sheldon to keep me company. he's a cuddle bug, but he's no kalista or sami.

we had to get rid of the girls because one (or both) decided to use the stove, the kitchen table, the counter top, the bathtub, and other NON-little box places as bathrooms. gene and i figure it was because sheldon got brought into the mix, but we could've gotten rid of him, and the girls may have continued the behavior.

it broke our hearts. we love those girls more than anything, but we also need to realize our health is important too.. we cant cook with cat pee in the stove or on the burners. gene looked EVERYWHERE for a little over a month, and found a woman who seems to really love them.. she has 2 or 3 kids, one of which is special needs... sami and kalista fit right in and went right up to the lady, which makes me feel a little better. plus, they only live about 5 mins from where we are now, and we were told we could come visit...

but boy, i sure do miss sami's "be-gow" greeting and kalista's face-butt cuddles..

i think im going to go to bed now.. im txting the girl's adopted mom, and then im going to moan in pain because of my lack of middle organs...

peace, homies.

motivation, such an aggravation

i have been lacking complete motivation since my freaking appendectomy and recent crohns flare.. i would like to blame it all on the face that i am still injured or unable to do modified workouts, but that is not the case...

it is a sheer case of lack of motivation (or, as im sure my coach would call it, laziness).

i wish i had that gene in me (no pun intended!!! naught joke!!!) that allowed me to have the will and want to go workout everyday.. dont get me wrong, i REALLY like crossfit, and i really enjoy my coach (specially as he has been so great for husband), but its now that i have let time pass and those voices that were preventing me from going before are even louder than they were 3 months ago.. i feel REALLY embarrassed about the fact i'd be start, in essence, from scratch. i was already as new as you can get, and now, i'd be back to that.

i also realize that the crossfit crowd isnt exactly what it is in my head. i feel extremely judge. i feel like all those pretty, thin, and advanced crossfit-ers are judging me and laughing at my inability to do certain WODs or the fact i get winded combing my hair (i dont, but you get the point).

its a lot going on, and as is often the case, my head wins the battle. i justify me not going as the fact my coach doesnt REALLY want to meet up with me for a 30-45 min WOD at 6am. i figure he has better things to do than spend the mornings with me, yelling at me to move quicker or push harder, and frankly, who wants to be yelled at before the sun even rises???

and you know what the kicker is??? i feel like SHIT because i imagine i should be loosing more weight right now than i am, and am shocked when i look at the scale. now, yes. the scale doesnt necessarily show all that is associated with weightloss, but it sure as hell kicks your ass when you've stayed at the same number for about 2 weeks! plus, i was doing pretty decent with feeling ok about myself and my body, but the idea of going to workout around 'the pretty people' shoot my blood pressure up along with my anxiety. and that just circles around to all the justifications i have about why im not going to crossfit right now.

my coach told me early on that the only way to fail at crossfit is to not try, and frankly, im failing. i've let down my husband, who works REALLY hard every day with coach to become an amazing fighter and more healthy person. i've let down my parents who probably still think im going 3-4 times a week, because honestly, i havent told them otherwise (lying by omission is still lying, children!). im letting down my friends who looked up to me for a while because of all the points i was hitting and how hard i was working (maybe "looking up" is a little lofty, but eh, my blog. my dreams). and lastly, and being last isnt lost on me, i've let down myself for obvious reasons.

ugh, this blog is making me more depressed than free. i look at all my reasons and excuses and it is even more obvious how lame i am on 'paper'.

i need to get back into it. but again, im lacking the motivation. ugh, i need coach to come live at my house and that way he will MAKE me work out at least 3-4 days.. dreams...

now if only this was true, i'd be warm AND have more motivation!!!

appendix and heat

well, this last week has been crazy... once again, my body has showed me how much it hates me...

**BEWARE** THIS POST MAY HAVE SOME TMI MOMENTS, SO SHOULD YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH OR JUST NOT CARE TO HEAR ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS ON MY BODY!!!!!

so on thursday, i went into the ER compaining on how i hadnt been able to have a bowel movement in nearly 7 days. yeah, that is NOT fun in itself... i figured maybe it had to do with the lack of fiber in my diet due to the high protien i have to have... gene stayed home, as i really figured they would give me a lovely suppository, and i would end up feeling better in a few hours.

side note, i never realized how freaking much it hurts not going number two... then again, it could've been my inflammed appendix, but im getting ahead of myself...

so, after consulting with my personal doctor, or rather my great, childhood friend, who happens to be a suergon and will tell me to go do something when i dont wanna hear it, i headed to the ER to get my lovely poop medicine.. well, after informing them of my amazing and heartwarming history with Crohns, they decided they wanted to do a CT scan...

now, i normally request unless its ABSOLUTELY necessary, they dont give me a CT...

http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/computed-tomography-ct-scan-of-the-body

you really dont want to get many CTs or X-Rays, if you can avoid it.. i mean, you dont want that much radiation in your body! so, pre crohn's "official" diagnosis, i was getting a CT scan at least once a month.. they were pretty free about filling my body with radiation because they didnt know what was going on! so im pretty hell bent now about not getting a CT unless they are worried about a blockage or something..

which was a possiblity with the amount of pain i was in, along with other symptoms.. so they did the CT, and within 30 mins of coming back to my room, my ER doctor came in a looked pretty serious... she told me "your CT scan was abnormal, and im having the suregon come down and review your films."

being the dosages of Ativan. I started panicking!! i mean, i knew i was in a lot of pain, but at this point, i was freaking the eff out... she came back in and said "well, it looks like your appendix is inflammed, along with the intestines (or colon, im not sure). the suregon will be in here in a moment to discuss surgery." i immediately got on the phone and called gene to come down. i mean, at this point, they were discussing surgery! i mean, i was thinking i was going to get some sort of enema or suppository, and here they are discussing cutting me open!!! seriously?? cant i catch a freaking break!?!

well, the surgeon came into the room, and from start to finish, i was in the OR within 40 mins. honeslty, i dont remember much after that, except i refused to take out my lip ring because i didnt want the hole to close (the anestesiolgist was NOT happy about that.. but im stubborn. they let me keep it in!), crying for gene post-op and confused about where i was..

i guess the surgery was only suppose to take 30-50 mins, but due to my inflammed innards and whatnot, the whole thing lasted 3 hrs. gene's grandma came and sat with him, which im really thankful for... i guess they didnt even update him till 1.5 hrs in, which is totally unacceptable! i mean, if gene was in there for 5 minutes more that i expected, i would freaking be banging on the OR doors.. but gene said he raised a little hell to find out wtf was going on with his wife, which is oddly sweet.. oh, the things i find romantic!

well, i was in the hospital from thursday night till sunday afternoon.. oddly enough, i wasnt feeling too crappy till sunday afternoon when they let me go home.. my mom came by sunday and helped put away some laundry while i laid in bed and hurt, complained, and sweat. idk if you remember, but it was stupid hot out that weekend...

which is awesome. and by awesome, i mean the stupidest and most hateful thing in the world. i hate the heat. anything over 70, and i vote to turn on the AC... gene and i have had the AC running
since may with shouldnt be a suprise if you know us evena  little.. i was happy to have the AC running crazy in our room, which made the nurses and staff come check up on me more than usual.. hey, i would've done the same thing!!

so here we are a week later, and im still in a decent amount a pain.. im finding that its a completely different type of pain than the sleeve, so i wasnt ready for it at all... in fact, the pain has been getting a little worse over the last few days, but i figure its all normal so im just sticking to my belly ice packs and pain meds... i showed aidan my scar and he was excited about that... little boys love that kinda thing!!

CrossFit and 3 months post-op

well, back to what this blog was intended for. the update and trials and whatnot of my journey to better health.

and lately, it hasnt been all that great. :(

ok. lets start with the surgery and weightloss. as of 7/20, when i had by 3 month post op appointment, i was 41 lbs. down. thats from the start of the journey, not just post-op. im pretty happy with my progress thus far! i mean, i know that i could be 50 lbs down, but i could also only be 30 lbs down. i talked to my psychologist about the anxiety the weightloss has caused me, and how i feel more scared and nervous to speak to people about how i look or draw attention to the weightloss and my looks. luckily, he said this was all VERY normal, and it is something most people experience.. i mean, i went years with hiding behind my weight and/or using it as an excuse for me to deflect how i really felt...

im finding my relationship with food is so much more different than i even fathomed. i still like to eat, but i find its more a chore than anything. i am having a hard time eating slowly and mindfully. it is NOT good. i find that i vomit sometimes after eating because i tend to eat too quickly. i also notice that the fear of vomiting makes me nervous, which makes it more difficult to eat. i need to hold myself more accountable for my food choices and mindful eating. i get frustrated because gene still tried to get me to eat leftovers or the last so-and-so. he isnt use to my portion sizes, and i hate feeling like a wasteful person. but its not wasteful. honestly, i have to look at everything food-wise differently. its exhausting, and i really wish i didnt ever have to eat again. its beyond irritating having something i hate so much have such a big hold in my life.

but i am excited that i joined CrossFit back at the beginning of the month! its a great program, and SUPER intense and difficult, but its something that i really find will work for me. to start with, here is a link for anyone who wants to know a little more about CrossFit. there is a lot to it, and i couldnt explain much of it at all, except its fun and i like it...

http://www.crossfit.com/

i specifically go to http://www.facebook.com/events/178862518913474/180670838732642/?comment_id=180671875399205&notif_t=event_mall_comment#!/CrossFitHappyValley, which is local to me and is connected with the awesome gym gene uses... my coaches name is Keith Zimmer, and he's fucking hardcore.

i honestly think he's a tad crazy, but i really believe to be as successfully as i want to be, i need ot drink a bit of his kool-aid. he knows that i am a really fresh newbie, and has been modifying WODs (workout of the day) in order to help me be successful, but even modified, they kick my ass... i had to take off this week because my crohns has kicked my ass, stomach, everything, and to do Crossfit, while working, just wouldnt have been feasible. plus, my doctors preferred that i not do any working out this week, so i erred on the side of caution.

there really isnt any other way around that.

I have been in the ER 3 times over the past 3 weeks because the pain from my flair is uncontrollable. im bleeding, i have awful cramps that make me double over, i am dizzy, im hardly ever NOT in the bathroom, and im nauseous. i mean, im an uncontrolled crohns patient. that is never fun, and i would only wish it on a few tards i have associated myself with in sad, fleeting moment. *coughcoughcrazykcoughcough*

so i started my humira, as i had built up antibodies in my system to the remicade. i started the injections yesterday, which was a pretty shitty day in itself with everything going on... and side note, these fucking injections feel like they are trying to kill me. they are SO freaking painful!

which is just how my life goes. i need to go through something painful, while already being in pain, to fix the original pain. oy. even the nurse was like, "you cant catch a break, can you?"..

lately, thats how i've felt lately. im not catching a freaking break. i feel like im not valued in life how i would want to be, but that is an entirely different matter. i just keep pushing through. because what other option do i have? i cant quit, bc im tired of quitting when things get hard or difficult... i have a husband who depends on me to stay somewhat sane and reasonable. i have parents who are going through their own junk, so i dont want to include my shit in theirs. i have a sister who is refusing to speak to me for, frankly at this point, i have no idea why other than she is a new mom and doesnt have time for anything that isnt feeding off her or helping her provide for her family. i get it. thats a huge life change, but... ugh, i dont wanna get started on that. it just makes me mad and uncontrollably depressed at the same time...

so thats a 'small' update on life as of now. i do get to see baby chester this weekend, while my sister is having my parents babysit (see, in order to have an relationship with my nephew, i have to sneak to my parents house while they are taking care of him. otherwise, i dont get visiting privilege. again, just a cluster fuck mess)...

i was asked by a friend to post a blog on Apryl and my relationship with her... im thinking i want to do this, but it may take time. its tough to recall the pleasant, but sad, memories.

let me know if you are reading this still by leaving a comment or something... should i continue using this blog for my weightloss or should i broaden my topics?? lemmie know!!

~emily anne

Apryl

this is not related to my weightloss, but its as important...

today, my oldest sister passed away 6 years ago...

it hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY year. i try and prepare, or at least mentally, but it still makes my stomach sink like it just happened.

i miss her so much. sometimes i feel like i have to justify why it makes me so sad, but i cant anymore. apryl, albeit distant in the end, was my sister. she was my blood. i miss her the same way i would miss heather jean, God forbid, she passed away.

i remember being younger and wanting to be JUST like her. she lived in California with her bio-dad, and she was SO worldly! she had fun hair, really long and obviously fake nails, sand like an angel, was going to college, and just was perfect. she always tried to include me, even if it was just by letting me watch her paint her nails or brush her hair. i LOVED listening to her sing. i thought her voice was the best thing i have ever heard.

i found out she died by a phone call from my daddy. he called me right as i was getting on the Max to come home from work. he asked me to come home, but he had a different tone to his voice. i knew something was wrong, and he said he would be coming to get me in 20 minutes. i really knew something was wrong, and made him tell me before i got off the phone. apryl died.

i actually feel like the earth stopped spinning. everything around me faded or got blurry and i just remember holding onto the payphone as it felt like my entire body weighed 700 lbs.

i got on the Max and didnt even care that it was packed full of people. i sobbed in the corner like i ws alone in my room. and in true PDX fashion, people left me alone like the crazy person they thought i was. i dont blame them.

dad picked me up a few minutes later at the max stop, and i just remember looking at him and seeing how sad he was. i know apryl wasnt his biological daughter, but i do know that he loved her, as my dad is an amazing father. he got me back to their house, and i was almost frightened to see my mom. heather jean was already with her, and when i saw my mom, it made it even more real. my sister was dead and that was that.

i still have moments where i feel like i cant breath from the sadness i feel because of her loss. she had flaws and faults as we all do, but she still is my sister. she had such a presence about her, and the world seems a little smaller without her here.

i wish i could say a proper goodbye to her. she deserved more than what i said to her, not knowing that it would be the last time i would ever speak to her.i would give ANYTHING to have one last day with her to snuggle (she gave the best hugs), talk, and hear her voice. she was so proud of me and i will always remember her calling me her "baby sister".

i miss her more than i ever thought possible. it gets easier, as i was told it would, but it doesnt... does that make sense? i can survive 'aniversaries' and significant dates, but they make me feel unbelieveably and uncontrolalby sad.

i really would like to think that she would be proud of me for loosing the weight and getting healthier. i KNOW she would like gene, and i also know she would have grilled him prior to us getting married. she was as loud and opinionated as i am, which makes me smile. i think she would've been the loudest and most proud at my college graduation, with the biggest and most colorful sign screaming my praises. she always had a way of making me feel like i was the most important person and the sister she loved the most (although, im sure she made heather feel like she was her favorite..). i couldnt be anymore proud of call apryl my sister, and am truely blessed for the time we did share. it was far too short, but worth it to have just known her.

 She loved Michael Jon so much...

 She was the second cutest baby ever, after me of course.. :)

 This one is my favorite of her... i've alway loved this picture of her and her son...

this was taken while she was in labor with michael jon... :)

she is the prettiest person i have ever met...

this is the only picture we have of the enitre family... i love this picture more than i can describe...

apryl, i love you.

"Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore."

every day is different...

well, im still alive... thats half the battle, right??

i havent lost much weight lately, but i am finding that it gets easier everyday to make better and healthy choices... i choose sugar free over things that are chalked full of it.. i choose high protien foods rather than carbs.. i eat breakfast!!! that is, in itself, a very amazing win!

but i still am not perfect by any means.

i dont always choose the best foods for me. i dont always exercise like i should. i dont feel like im doing EVERYTHING that i should/could be in order to make myself the most sucessfull as possible.

but again, that is why every day is different.

i wake up and say "today is the day i am going to be 100% healthy!!!". and every day, i end up making a bad choice or failing in one way or another.

but at least i am TRYING. i try EVERY SINGLE DAY to make my surgery sucessful, and to make the people who have been behind me the whole time, proud... but honestly, and maybe this isnt the BEST reason to strive for life change, but i do it to show those people who arent doing it correctly that it can be done and for those who havent been in my corner, that i am amazing.

i dont always feel amazing, but after hearing it from my husband enough, i am led to believe that he's not lying to me.

but touching back on those people who are 'cheating', i find that they make me feel like im failing or that i am not sucessful. i have to be reminded almost DAILY, often times moment by moment, that i have a different body, with a very different surgery than most weight loss surgery recipeants (its the least common weight loss surgery compaired to lapband and gastric bypass). its really, really, really, really, really, REALLY hard for me not to compair myself to others and their own succeses. being a girl, i know thats really common..

so tomorrow, when i wake up, i will say " today is the day i am going to be 100% healthy!!!", but i will also say “Why compare yourself with others? No one in the entire world can do a better job of being you than you.” ~Unknown