motivation, such an aggravation

i have been lacking complete motivation since my freaking appendectomy and recent crohns flare.. i would like to blame it all on the face that i am still injured or unable to do modified workouts, but that is not the case...

it is a sheer case of lack of motivation (or, as im sure my coach would call it, laziness).

i wish i had that gene in me (no pun intended!!! naught joke!!!) that allowed me to have the will and want to go workout everyday.. dont get me wrong, i REALLY like crossfit, and i really enjoy my coach (specially as he has been so great for husband), but its now that i have let time pass and those voices that were preventing me from going before are even louder than they were 3 months ago.. i feel REALLY embarrassed about the fact i'd be start, in essence, from scratch. i was already as new as you can get, and now, i'd be back to that.

i also realize that the crossfit crowd isnt exactly what it is in my head. i feel extremely judge. i feel like all those pretty, thin, and advanced crossfit-ers are judging me and laughing at my inability to do certain WODs or the fact i get winded combing my hair (i dont, but you get the point).

its a lot going on, and as is often the case, my head wins the battle. i justify me not going as the fact my coach doesnt REALLY want to meet up with me for a 30-45 min WOD at 6am. i figure he has better things to do than spend the mornings with me, yelling at me to move quicker or push harder, and frankly, who wants to be yelled at before the sun even rises???

and you know what the kicker is??? i feel like SHIT because i imagine i should be loosing more weight right now than i am, and am shocked when i look at the scale. now, yes. the scale doesnt necessarily show all that is associated with weightloss, but it sure as hell kicks your ass when you've stayed at the same number for about 2 weeks! plus, i was doing pretty decent with feeling ok about myself and my body, but the idea of going to workout around 'the pretty people' shoot my blood pressure up along with my anxiety. and that just circles around to all the justifications i have about why im not going to crossfit right now.

my coach told me early on that the only way to fail at crossfit is to not try, and frankly, im failing. i've let down my husband, who works REALLY hard every day with coach to become an amazing fighter and more healthy person. i've let down my parents who probably still think im going 3-4 times a week, because honestly, i havent told them otherwise (lying by omission is still lying, children!). im letting down my friends who looked up to me for a while because of all the points i was hitting and how hard i was working (maybe "looking up" is a little lofty, but eh, my blog. my dreams). and lastly, and being last isnt lost on me, i've let down myself for obvious reasons.

ugh, this blog is making me more depressed than free. i look at all my reasons and excuses and it is even more obvious how lame i am on 'paper'.

i need to get back into it. but again, im lacking the motivation. ugh, i need coach to come live at my house and that way he will MAKE me work out at least 3-4 days.. dreams...

now if only this was true, i'd be warm AND have more motivation!!!

appendix and heat

well, this last week has been crazy... once again, my body has showed me how much it hates me...

**BEWARE** THIS POST MAY HAVE SOME TMI MOMENTS, SO SHOULD YOU HAVE A WEAK STOMACH OR JUST NOT CARE TO HEAR ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS ON MY BODY!!!!!

so on thursday, i went into the ER compaining on how i hadnt been able to have a bowel movement in nearly 7 days. yeah, that is NOT fun in itself... i figured maybe it had to do with the lack of fiber in my diet due to the high protien i have to have... gene stayed home, as i really figured they would give me a lovely suppository, and i would end up feeling better in a few hours.

side note, i never realized how freaking much it hurts not going number two... then again, it could've been my inflammed appendix, but im getting ahead of myself...

so, after consulting with my personal doctor, or rather my great, childhood friend, who happens to be a suergon and will tell me to go do something when i dont wanna hear it, i headed to the ER to get my lovely poop medicine.. well, after informing them of my amazing and heartwarming history with Crohns, they decided they wanted to do a CT scan...

now, i normally request unless its ABSOLUTELY necessary, they dont give me a CT...

http://www.webmd.com/a-to-z-guides/computed-tomography-ct-scan-of-the-body

you really dont want to get many CTs or X-Rays, if you can avoid it.. i mean, you dont want that much radiation in your body! so, pre crohn's "official" diagnosis, i was getting a CT scan at least once a month.. they were pretty free about filling my body with radiation because they didnt know what was going on! so im pretty hell bent now about not getting a CT unless they are worried about a blockage or something..

which was a possiblity with the amount of pain i was in, along with other symptoms.. so they did the CT, and within 30 mins of coming back to my room, my ER doctor came in a looked pretty serious... she told me "your CT scan was abnormal, and im having the suregon come down and review your films."

being the dosages of Ativan. I started panicking!! i mean, i knew i was in a lot of pain, but at this point, i was freaking the eff out... she came back in and said "well, it looks like your appendix is inflammed, along with the intestines (or colon, im not sure). the suregon will be in here in a moment to discuss surgery." i immediately got on the phone and called gene to come down. i mean, at this point, they were discussing surgery! i mean, i was thinking i was going to get some sort of enema or suppository, and here they are discussing cutting me open!!! seriously?? cant i catch a freaking break!?!

well, the surgeon came into the room, and from start to finish, i was in the OR within 40 mins. honeslty, i dont remember much after that, except i refused to take out my lip ring because i didnt want the hole to close (the anestesiolgist was NOT happy about that.. but im stubborn. they let me keep it in!), crying for gene post-op and confused about where i was..

i guess the surgery was only suppose to take 30-50 mins, but due to my inflammed innards and whatnot, the whole thing lasted 3 hrs. gene's grandma came and sat with him, which im really thankful for... i guess they didnt even update him till 1.5 hrs in, which is totally unacceptable! i mean, if gene was in there for 5 minutes more that i expected, i would freaking be banging on the OR doors.. but gene said he raised a little hell to find out wtf was going on with his wife, which is oddly sweet.. oh, the things i find romantic!

well, i was in the hospital from thursday night till sunday afternoon.. oddly enough, i wasnt feeling too crappy till sunday afternoon when they let me go home.. my mom came by sunday and helped put away some laundry while i laid in bed and hurt, complained, and sweat. idk if you remember, but it was stupid hot out that weekend...

which is awesome. and by awesome, i mean the stupidest and most hateful thing in the world. i hate the heat. anything over 70, and i vote to turn on the AC... gene and i have had the AC running
since may with shouldnt be a suprise if you know us evena  little.. i was happy to have the AC running crazy in our room, which made the nurses and staff come check up on me more than usual.. hey, i would've done the same thing!!

so here we are a week later, and im still in a decent amount a pain.. im finding that its a completely different type of pain than the sleeve, so i wasnt ready for it at all... in fact, the pain has been getting a little worse over the last few days, but i figure its all normal so im just sticking to my belly ice packs and pain meds... i showed aidan my scar and he was excited about that... little boys love that kinda thing!!

CrossFit and 3 months post-op

well, back to what this blog was intended for. the update and trials and whatnot of my journey to better health.

and lately, it hasnt been all that great. :(

ok. lets start with the surgery and weightloss. as of 7/20, when i had by 3 month post op appointment, i was 41 lbs. down. thats from the start of the journey, not just post-op. im pretty happy with my progress thus far! i mean, i know that i could be 50 lbs down, but i could also only be 30 lbs down. i talked to my psychologist about the anxiety the weightloss has caused me, and how i feel more scared and nervous to speak to people about how i look or draw attention to the weightloss and my looks. luckily, he said this was all VERY normal, and it is something most people experience.. i mean, i went years with hiding behind my weight and/or using it as an excuse for me to deflect how i really felt...

im finding my relationship with food is so much more different than i even fathomed. i still like to eat, but i find its more a chore than anything. i am having a hard time eating slowly and mindfully. it is NOT good. i find that i vomit sometimes after eating because i tend to eat too quickly. i also notice that the fear of vomiting makes me nervous, which makes it more difficult to eat. i need to hold myself more accountable for my food choices and mindful eating. i get frustrated because gene still tried to get me to eat leftovers or the last so-and-so. he isnt use to my portion sizes, and i hate feeling like a wasteful person. but its not wasteful. honestly, i have to look at everything food-wise differently. its exhausting, and i really wish i didnt ever have to eat again. its beyond irritating having something i hate so much have such a big hold in my life.

but i am excited that i joined CrossFit back at the beginning of the month! its a great program, and SUPER intense and difficult, but its something that i really find will work for me. to start with, here is a link for anyone who wants to know a little more about CrossFit. there is a lot to it, and i couldnt explain much of it at all, except its fun and i like it...

http://www.crossfit.com/

i specifically go to http://www.facebook.com/events/178862518913474/180670838732642/?comment_id=180671875399205&notif_t=event_mall_comment#!/CrossFitHappyValley, which is local to me and is connected with the awesome gym gene uses... my coaches name is Keith Zimmer, and he's fucking hardcore.

i honestly think he's a tad crazy, but i really believe to be as successfully as i want to be, i need ot drink a bit of his kool-aid. he knows that i am a really fresh newbie, and has been modifying WODs (workout of the day) in order to help me be successful, but even modified, they kick my ass... i had to take off this week because my crohns has kicked my ass, stomach, everything, and to do Crossfit, while working, just wouldnt have been feasible. plus, my doctors preferred that i not do any working out this week, so i erred on the side of caution.

there really isnt any other way around that.

I have been in the ER 3 times over the past 3 weeks because the pain from my flair is uncontrollable. im bleeding, i have awful cramps that make me double over, i am dizzy, im hardly ever NOT in the bathroom, and im nauseous. i mean, im an uncontrolled crohns patient. that is never fun, and i would only wish it on a few tards i have associated myself with in sad, fleeting moment. *coughcoughcrazykcoughcough*

so i started my humira, as i had built up antibodies in my system to the remicade. i started the injections yesterday, which was a pretty shitty day in itself with everything going on... and side note, these fucking injections feel like they are trying to kill me. they are SO freaking painful!

which is just how my life goes. i need to go through something painful, while already being in pain, to fix the original pain. oy. even the nurse was like, "you cant catch a break, can you?"..

lately, thats how i've felt lately. im not catching a freaking break. i feel like im not valued in life how i would want to be, but that is an entirely different matter. i just keep pushing through. because what other option do i have? i cant quit, bc im tired of quitting when things get hard or difficult... i have a husband who depends on me to stay somewhat sane and reasonable. i have parents who are going through their own junk, so i dont want to include my shit in theirs. i have a sister who is refusing to speak to me for, frankly at this point, i have no idea why other than she is a new mom and doesnt have time for anything that isnt feeding off her or helping her provide for her family. i get it. thats a huge life change, but... ugh, i dont wanna get started on that. it just makes me mad and uncontrollably depressed at the same time...

so thats a 'small' update on life as of now. i do get to see baby chester this weekend, while my sister is having my parents babysit (see, in order to have an relationship with my nephew, i have to sneak to my parents house while they are taking care of him. otherwise, i dont get visiting privilege. again, just a cluster fuck mess)...

i was asked by a friend to post a blog on Apryl and my relationship with her... im thinking i want to do this, but it may take time. its tough to recall the pleasant, but sad, memories.

let me know if you are reading this still by leaving a comment or something... should i continue using this blog for my weightloss or should i broaden my topics?? lemmie know!!

~emily anne