today, my oldest sister passed away 6 years ago...
it hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY year. i try and prepare, or at least mentally, but it still makes my stomach sink like it just happened.
i miss her so much. sometimes i feel like i have to justify why it makes me so sad, but i cant anymore. apryl, albeit distant in the end, was my sister. she was my blood. i miss her the same way i would miss heather jean, God forbid, she passed away.
i remember being younger and wanting to be JUST like her. she lived in California with her bio-dad, and she was SO worldly! she had fun hair, really long and obviously fake nails, sand like an angel, was going to college, and just was perfect. she always tried to include me, even if it was just by letting me watch her paint her nails or brush her hair. i LOVED listening to her sing. i thought her voice was the best thing i have ever heard.
i found out she died by a phone call from my daddy. he called me right as i was getting on the Max to come home from work. he asked me to come home, but he had a different tone to his voice. i knew something was wrong, and he said he would be coming to get me in 20 minutes. i really knew something was wrong, and made him tell me before i got off the phone. apryl died.
i actually feel like the earth stopped spinning. everything around me faded or got blurry and i just remember holding onto the payphone as it felt like my entire body weighed 700 lbs.
i got on the Max and didnt even care that it was packed full of people. i sobbed in the corner like i ws alone in my room. and in true PDX fashion, people left me alone like the crazy person they thought i was. i dont blame them.
dad picked me up a few minutes later at the max stop, and i just remember looking at him and seeing how sad he was. i know apryl wasnt his biological daughter, but i do know that he loved her, as my dad is an amazing father. he got me back to their house, and i was almost frightened to see my mom. heather jean was already with her, and when i saw my mom, it made it even more real. my sister was dead and that was that.
i still have moments where i feel like i cant breath from the sadness i feel because of her loss. she had flaws and faults as we all do, but she still is my sister. she had such a presence about her, and the world seems a little smaller without her here.
i wish i could say a proper goodbye to her. she deserved more than what i said to her, not knowing that it would be the last time i would ever speak to her.i would give ANYTHING to have one last day with her to snuggle (she gave the best hugs), talk, and hear her voice. she was so proud of me and i will always remember her calling me her "baby sister".
i miss her more than i ever thought possible. it gets easier, as i was told it would, but it doesnt... does that make sense? i can survive 'aniversaries' and significant dates, but they make me feel unbelieveably and uncontrolalby sad.
i really would like to think that she would be proud of me for loosing the weight and getting healthier. i KNOW she would like gene, and i also know she would have grilled him prior to us getting married. she was as loud and opinionated as i am, which makes me smile. i think she would've been the loudest and most proud at my college graduation, with the biggest and most colorful sign screaming my praises. she always had a way of making me feel like i was the most important person and the sister she loved the most (although, im sure she made heather feel like she was her favorite..). i couldnt be anymore proud of call apryl my sister, and am truely blessed for the time we did share. it was far too short, but worth it to have just known her.
She loved Michael Jon so much...
she is the prettiest person i have ever met...
this is the only picture we have of the enitre family... i love this picture more than i can describe...
apryl, i love you.
"Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore."
