blog title is pretty obvious, but eh.. sometimes you just need to be reminded...
it wasnt too shabby doing Thanksgiving with just gene, aidan, and myself.. due to some issues with our respective families (particular family members, rather, than the family as a whole), we have decided that we are going to do holiday activies with our little family instead of the whole rigamore of running from one house to another..
the idea of not buying gifts for a million people, and getting to focus on only buying for a few people is just LOVELY... i mean, Christmas shouldnt be about the gift giving, but rather the spirit of thanks and love and family... i fully intend of focusing on that rather than making sure that aidan gets the best of the best; i want him to really understand that it's more about spending time with family and helping people who arent able to have even basic necessities.
food wise, it was not difficult eating a ton of food and stuffing myself silly.. i was never a big eater on Thanksgiving for the past few years, so my 4oz. piece of turkey, with gravy, was pretty satisfying and yummy!!! aidan ate so much that he got sick that night.. poor guy looked sick, but eh.. its not uncommon, as his father was the same way..
on the not so holiday related, i have been feeling stupidly sick for the last 4 months... my crohns is not calming down (my GI doc has upped my Humera, so hopefully that will help with the flares and daily management), i had both my appendix and gallbladder removed on an emergency basis (see previous blogs), and then got a cold. a simple cold, you say?? not for this gal!!!
as crohns is an auto-immune disorder, a simple cold could end up with a hospital stay for me.. and i THOUGHT that with my Theraflu and various other OTC meds, i kicked it, but i continued to have a stupid runny nose, and headaches were getting pretty severe and common (by Thanksgiving, i was having daily headaches that lasted 2-3 hrs at a time, and occurred about 3-4 times a day.. i would go to bed with a headache and wake up with one too... it was frustrating, but i figured it was connected to my allergies, or perhaps just the change in weather... either way, i just stuck with Tylenol and loads of fluids..
but about a week ago, i started feeling SUPER lightheaded and dizzy when i stood up or sat up. whenever i got up from a laying/sitting position, i would be ok for about 5 seconds, then it would hit like a ton of bricks. i would feel like the room is spinning, everything would turn black, and i would feel like my heart was beating out of my chest... i would breathe through it and after about 10 seconds of that, i felt normal again. it is the most peculiar feeling!! by Thanksgiving, the fainting took over and gene and i decided an ER trip was in order..
you will never feel so low as when you leave your husband and step-son on the holiday to go to an ER, alone, on a holiday. i have never been so frustrated before.
they figured that my cold turned to a sinus infection, and the sinus infection turned into a brain infection... its an easy fix with antibiotics and Sudafed... they say the dizzy/lightheaded stuff is vertigo and another side effect of the infection.
im feeling really sad lately because of all of this. i wish that it were easier and my body wasnt so difficult. i thought the weight loss would end up HELPING with my various other body issues, not exacerbate and enhance further issues. i feel really low, but i know this too shall pass... i wish it would just end up passing quicker and not cause so much interruption to my life, work, and family. doesnt seem fair, but then again, their are many other people who have it far worse than i do, and i am pretty blessed... i will focus on that. i NEED to focus on that...
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Sunday, November 25, 2012
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Apryl
this is not related to my weightloss, but its as important...
today, my oldest sister passed away 6 years ago...
it hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY year. i try and prepare, or at least mentally, but it still makes my stomach sink like it just happened.
i miss her so much. sometimes i feel like i have to justify why it makes me so sad, but i cant anymore. apryl, albeit distant in the end, was my sister. she was my blood. i miss her the same way i would miss heather jean, God forbid, she passed away.
i remember being younger and wanting to be JUST like her. she lived in California with her bio-dad, and she was SO worldly! she had fun hair, really long and obviously fake nails, sand like an angel, was going to college, and just was perfect. she always tried to include me, even if it was just by letting me watch her paint her nails or brush her hair. i LOVED listening to her sing. i thought her voice was the best thing i have ever heard.
i found out she died by a phone call from my daddy. he called me right as i was getting on the Max to come home from work. he asked me to come home, but he had a different tone to his voice. i knew something was wrong, and he said he would be coming to get me in 20 minutes. i really knew something was wrong, and made him tell me before i got off the phone. apryl died.
i actually feel like the earth stopped spinning. everything around me faded or got blurry and i just remember holding onto the payphone as it felt like my entire body weighed 700 lbs.
i got on the Max and didnt even care that it was packed full of people. i sobbed in the corner like i ws alone in my room. and in true PDX fashion, people left me alone like the crazy person they thought i was. i dont blame them.
dad picked me up a few minutes later at the max stop, and i just remember looking at him and seeing how sad he was. i know apryl wasnt his biological daughter, but i do know that he loved her, as my dad is an amazing father. he got me back to their house, and i was almost frightened to see my mom. heather jean was already with her, and when i saw my mom, it made it even more real. my sister was dead and that was that.
i still have moments where i feel like i cant breath from the sadness i feel because of her loss. she had flaws and faults as we all do, but she still is my sister. she had such a presence about her, and the world seems a little smaller without her here.
i wish i could say a proper goodbye to her. she deserved more than what i said to her, not knowing that it would be the last time i would ever speak to her.i would give ANYTHING to have one last day with her to snuggle (she gave the best hugs), talk, and hear her voice. she was so proud of me and i will always remember her calling me her "baby sister".
i miss her more than i ever thought possible. it gets easier, as i was told it would, but it doesnt... does that make sense? i can survive 'aniversaries' and significant dates, but they make me feel unbelieveably and uncontrolalby sad.
i really would like to think that she would be proud of me for loosing the weight and getting healthier. i KNOW she would like gene, and i also know she would have grilled him prior to us getting married. she was as loud and opinionated as i am, which makes me smile. i think she would've been the loudest and most proud at my college graduation, with the biggest and most colorful sign screaming my praises. she always had a way of making me feel like i was the most important person and the sister she loved the most (although, im sure she made heather feel like she was her favorite..). i couldnt be anymore proud of call apryl my sister, and am truely blessed for the time we did share. it was far too short, but worth it to have just known her.
She loved Michael Jon so much...
She was the second cutest baby ever, after me of course.. :)
This one is my favorite of her... i've alway loved this picture of her and her son...
this was taken while she was in labor with michael jon... :)
she is the prettiest person i have ever met...
apryl, i love you.
"Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore."
today, my oldest sister passed away 6 years ago...
it hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY year. i try and prepare, or at least mentally, but it still makes my stomach sink like it just happened.
i miss her so much. sometimes i feel like i have to justify why it makes me so sad, but i cant anymore. apryl, albeit distant in the end, was my sister. she was my blood. i miss her the same way i would miss heather jean, God forbid, she passed away.
i remember being younger and wanting to be JUST like her. she lived in California with her bio-dad, and she was SO worldly! she had fun hair, really long and obviously fake nails, sand like an angel, was going to college, and just was perfect. she always tried to include me, even if it was just by letting me watch her paint her nails or brush her hair. i LOVED listening to her sing. i thought her voice was the best thing i have ever heard.
i found out she died by a phone call from my daddy. he called me right as i was getting on the Max to come home from work. he asked me to come home, but he had a different tone to his voice. i knew something was wrong, and he said he would be coming to get me in 20 minutes. i really knew something was wrong, and made him tell me before i got off the phone. apryl died.
i actually feel like the earth stopped spinning. everything around me faded or got blurry and i just remember holding onto the payphone as it felt like my entire body weighed 700 lbs.
i got on the Max and didnt even care that it was packed full of people. i sobbed in the corner like i ws alone in my room. and in true PDX fashion, people left me alone like the crazy person they thought i was. i dont blame them.
dad picked me up a few minutes later at the max stop, and i just remember looking at him and seeing how sad he was. i know apryl wasnt his biological daughter, but i do know that he loved her, as my dad is an amazing father. he got me back to their house, and i was almost frightened to see my mom. heather jean was already with her, and when i saw my mom, it made it even more real. my sister was dead and that was that.
i still have moments where i feel like i cant breath from the sadness i feel because of her loss. she had flaws and faults as we all do, but she still is my sister. she had such a presence about her, and the world seems a little smaller without her here.
i wish i could say a proper goodbye to her. she deserved more than what i said to her, not knowing that it would be the last time i would ever speak to her.i would give ANYTHING to have one last day with her to snuggle (she gave the best hugs), talk, and hear her voice. she was so proud of me and i will always remember her calling me her "baby sister".
i miss her more than i ever thought possible. it gets easier, as i was told it would, but it doesnt... does that make sense? i can survive 'aniversaries' and significant dates, but they make me feel unbelieveably and uncontrolalby sad.
i really would like to think that she would be proud of me for loosing the weight and getting healthier. i KNOW she would like gene, and i also know she would have grilled him prior to us getting married. she was as loud and opinionated as i am, which makes me smile. i think she would've been the loudest and most proud at my college graduation, with the biggest and most colorful sign screaming my praises. she always had a way of making me feel like i was the most important person and the sister she loved the most (although, im sure she made heather feel like she was her favorite..). i couldnt be anymore proud of call apryl my sister, and am truely blessed for the time we did share. it was far too short, but worth it to have just known her.
She loved Michael Jon so much...
she is the prettiest person i have ever met...
this is the only picture we have of the enitre family... i love this picture more than i can describe...
apryl, i love you.
"Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore."
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