motivation, such an aggravation

i have been lacking complete motivation since my freaking appendectomy and recent crohns flare.. i would like to blame it all on the face that i am still injured or unable to do modified workouts, but that is not the case...

it is a sheer case of lack of motivation (or, as im sure my coach would call it, laziness).

i wish i had that gene in me (no pun intended!!! naught joke!!!) that allowed me to have the will and want to go workout everyday.. dont get me wrong, i REALLY like crossfit, and i really enjoy my coach (specially as he has been so great for husband), but its now that i have let time pass and those voices that were preventing me from going before are even louder than they were 3 months ago.. i feel REALLY embarrassed about the fact i'd be start, in essence, from scratch. i was already as new as you can get, and now, i'd be back to that.

i also realize that the crossfit crowd isnt exactly what it is in my head. i feel extremely judge. i feel like all those pretty, thin, and advanced crossfit-ers are judging me and laughing at my inability to do certain WODs or the fact i get winded combing my hair (i dont, but you get the point).

its a lot going on, and as is often the case, my head wins the battle. i justify me not going as the fact my coach doesnt REALLY want to meet up with me for a 30-45 min WOD at 6am. i figure he has better things to do than spend the mornings with me, yelling at me to move quicker or push harder, and frankly, who wants to be yelled at before the sun even rises???

and you know what the kicker is??? i feel like SHIT because i imagine i should be loosing more weight right now than i am, and am shocked when i look at the scale. now, yes. the scale doesnt necessarily show all that is associated with weightloss, but it sure as hell kicks your ass when you've stayed at the same number for about 2 weeks! plus, i was doing pretty decent with feeling ok about myself and my body, but the idea of going to workout around 'the pretty people' shoot my blood pressure up along with my anxiety. and that just circles around to all the justifications i have about why im not going to crossfit right now.

my coach told me early on that the only way to fail at crossfit is to not try, and frankly, im failing. i've let down my husband, who works REALLY hard every day with coach to become an amazing fighter and more healthy person. i've let down my parents who probably still think im going 3-4 times a week, because honestly, i havent told them otherwise (lying by omission is still lying, children!). im letting down my friends who looked up to me for a while because of all the points i was hitting and how hard i was working (maybe "looking up" is a little lofty, but eh, my blog. my dreams). and lastly, and being last isnt lost on me, i've let down myself for obvious reasons.

ugh, this blog is making me more depressed than free. i look at all my reasons and excuses and it is even more obvious how lame i am on 'paper'.

i need to get back into it. but again, im lacking the motivation. ugh, i need coach to come live at my house and that way he will MAKE me work out at least 3-4 days.. dreams...

now if only this was true, i'd be warm AND have more motivation!!!

well, that threw a kink in things...

So, when life hands you lemons, you make sugar free lemonaid, right???

Turns out, Lap Band isn't approved with the FDA for patients with Crohn's. Lame. Sauce.

So after further discussion, and even further research, I've decided to go ahead and go in the direction of the Gastric Sleeve.

The biggest difference is the fact that it's a far more invasive surgery. I'd have to stay overnight, and the down time is much longer... I'd be out of work for 3-4 weeks, meaning I would be taking Short Term Disability, rather than a week to heal.

Another big difference is the fact that I wont be having to go in monthly for fills. Lap Band requires a saline fill in order for the band to get smaller around the stomach. The sleeve gives a smiliar effect, without the foreign body in your body!

One downfall is the fact it isn't clear whether or not my insurance will cover it. So Dr. Halpin's office is in the process of getting it approved through BCBS of MA... So please send me some good thoughts/prayers/juju!!!

Now, this isn't to say one is better or worse. I find people are really stubborn about the fact theirs is the best. Frankly, im tired of hearing it..

So i'm at the point that I'm making the choice for what's best for me, my body, and my health. Gene has been, well, Gene.. He's just doing whatever I want, and goes back to playing Call of Duty (thanks Dan)...

Along those lines, I met with the Physical Therepist yesterday. He was cute, which sucks... Cute guy telling me to work out = emily anne feeling more like a fatty...

BUT!!!

he did help me realize that I can burn 2100 calories a week by walking a simple 36 minutes a day..

Why 36 minutes, you ask??

omg, the math was too confusing... i give up...

its 36 minutes because tony, the dreamy PT told me to...

so i'm walking during my breaks at work, and some at lunch too.. pretty nice break, but puts a killer in my sitting at the desk job.. guess i dont have an excuse anymore..

um.... butter...

I had lunch today with my best friend from high school, and by lunch, I mean I sat and watched him eat... And he really questioned why I was deciding to get the surgery rather than just good ole diet and exercise...

And he had me stumped...

I mean, I gave the answer that someone who wants/needs to loose as much weight as I do won't succeed using traditional methods... But why is it that I'm just now, at the age of 27 deciding to care about my weight and health...

I guess this is something I'm going to have to get use to answering... I felt almost ashamed when he kept pushing me as to why I just don't make the mindful choice to not eat as much as I do, while exercising more...

I've let myself get this fat. I imagine its just going to be something I spend the rest of my life fixing...