before 2012

Well, peeps, its the last post of 2011..

Because lets me honest... im spending time with my man tomorrow, and i just wont have time for this... :)

I have decided on a goal weight that at the end of this process, i will be happy with... 130... Thats right! i said 130!! i dont think i've been 130 since elementary school. but donna said it was more about being scared about getting that weight, rather than realistic goals, because i have never been thin in my adult life..

and she is right...

im scared to be thin.

but as with the rest of the changes i plan on making, its just something that will have to happen. I want to be healthy, and that will require me to become thin, thus demanding me to face my fears.

Im willing to.

and man, am i ready to!!!

So as my final thought of 2011, i leave you with this...

"Constant development is the law of life, and a man who always tries to maintain his dogmas in order to appear consistent drives himself into a false position."- Mohandas K. Gandhi

i love you all... see you in 2012...

um.... butter...

I had lunch today with my best friend from high school, and by lunch, I mean I sat and watched him eat... And he really questioned why I was deciding to get the surgery rather than just good ole diet and exercise...

And he had me stumped...

I mean, I gave the answer that someone who wants/needs to loose as much weight as I do won't succeed using traditional methods... But why is it that I'm just now, at the age of 27 deciding to care about my weight and health...

I guess this is something I'm going to have to get use to answering... I felt almost ashamed when he kept pushing me as to why I just don't make the mindful choice to not eat as much as I do, while exercising more...

I've let myself get this fat. I imagine its just going to be something I spend the rest of my life fixing...

we all begin somewhere, right?

My story isn’t too different from many others who have decided to have weightloss surgery. Guess the best place to start is the beginning, as that is where it all began, right?

I am the youngest in my family. I have always been the chubbiest in my family, and that never really bothered me till I got in middle school. The only person to ever tease me about my weight was my older sister, but that is to be expected when you have any siblings (Although, I’m lying if I said it never bothered me. Especially as she is thin). As with any young girl, looks became important around twelve, when makeup and clothes were becoming the forefront of status and prominence. I don’t know if it’s because I just didn’t care that much, or because I was taught that there are more important things than clothes and looks, but I never really made the choice to care. I figured God made me the way I was, and that’s just that.

That doesn’t mean I didn’t try anorexia for a week. It was a horribly failed attempt as I was hungry, and ate despite my will to be thin. I never was good at not eating.

In high school, I hung out with a group of girls whose priority was appearance and boys, seeing as the two always go hand in hand… This is when I decided if I EVER wanted a boyfriend, I would need to care about how I look. I would find clothes that were adorable, but never fit as I was a 16-18 in high school. So I took back the theory that God has made me this way, and I would be happy with what I got.

I married my ex-husband right out of high school, solidifying the fact that I am fat and that’s ok. Throughout my marriage, though, I began to really re-think this fat thing, as my ex-husband really would point out my thickness to me. When we divorced, I didn’t lose a ton of weight, but some due to the stress of everything. I figured that was enough.

I began the poor man’s diet when I moved to Georgia, which was pretty awesome. Who knew lack of funds could help you lose 30 lbs.? I was also walking everywhere due to lack of vehicle, and frankly was in the best shape in years. That doesn’t mean I wasn’t obese and unhealthy. I was just near my high school weight.

When I met Gene two years ago, he always made me feel beautiful. I thought that meant that I could just be fat and happy, and just worry about being with him. It wasn’t until September of this year that I really started to reevaluate my life. I was diagnosed with diabetes in December 2010, and have been suffering with Crohn’s disorder for 6 years. The last 5 months have been trying with many hospitalizations, surgeries, and suffering. I have been told that losing weight would help me to manage my diabetes much better, and perhaps help with my Crohn’s.

In October, two of Gene’s family members got the Lap Band, and since then, their lives have changed tremendously. I have noticed more energy, less weight, and I’m sure behind the scenes there are positive modifications. After checking with my insurance, and discussing with Gene, it is a road that I have decided to go down.

So what am I hoping to get out of this surgery and change in lifestyle?

·         Weightloss- I have never been thin, nor do I want to be skinny. I just want to be a healthy weight.

·         Health Control- I want to have my diabetes under better control, and perhaps my Crohns. Im not positive if weightloss will help with Crohn’s, but I know for damn sure it wouldn’t be bad for it!

·         Better Self-Esteem- I want to look in the mirror and be happy with what I see. I don’t want all my positive reinforcement to come from Gene or other people. I want to be able to truly believe that I am beautiful and pretty.

·         More Energy- OMG!! To be able to have the energy to exercise and play would be amazing! I’m sure I could do it now, I would just be out of it the rest of the day… :D

·         Longer Life- There is no guarantee that getting the Lap Band will give me a longer life. But all the other changes that will come with it (no more soda, more exercise, better foods, less portions, etc.) will allow me to enjoy life a little more than I do now.

In the end, as much as I have lived by the creed that I am happy with the way God made me, there is no more denying the fact that it’s do or die. God created me to live a happy and fulfilling life, not to be plagued by excess weight, health problems, and horrible self-esteem. I really think that this is a game changer for me. I can’t live the way I have been for nearly 28 years anymore.

In essence, my life has to start now.

Almost Starting

alrighty, people, this is it.

this is almost the beginning.

im scared shitless, but i imagine that's healthy..

i think im going to take the night and think about how i really want to format this blog in order to make the most out of what im doing.

for now, i sleep... sleep and think...