CrossFit and 3 months post-op

well, back to what this blog was intended for. the update and trials and whatnot of my journey to better health.

and lately, it hasnt been all that great. :(

ok. lets start with the surgery and weightloss. as of 7/20, when i had by 3 month post op appointment, i was 41 lbs. down. thats from the start of the journey, not just post-op. im pretty happy with my progress thus far! i mean, i know that i could be 50 lbs down, but i could also only be 30 lbs down. i talked to my psychologist about the anxiety the weightloss has caused me, and how i feel more scared and nervous to speak to people about how i look or draw attention to the weightloss and my looks. luckily, he said this was all VERY normal, and it is something most people experience.. i mean, i went years with hiding behind my weight and/or using it as an excuse for me to deflect how i really felt...

im finding my relationship with food is so much more different than i even fathomed. i still like to eat, but i find its more a chore than anything. i am having a hard time eating slowly and mindfully. it is NOT good. i find that i vomit sometimes after eating because i tend to eat too quickly. i also notice that the fear of vomiting makes me nervous, which makes it more difficult to eat. i need to hold myself more accountable for my food choices and mindful eating. i get frustrated because gene still tried to get me to eat leftovers or the last so-and-so. he isnt use to my portion sizes, and i hate feeling like a wasteful person. but its not wasteful. honestly, i have to look at everything food-wise differently. its exhausting, and i really wish i didnt ever have to eat again. its beyond irritating having something i hate so much have such a big hold in my life.

but i am excited that i joined CrossFit back at the beginning of the month! its a great program, and SUPER intense and difficult, but its something that i really find will work for me. to start with, here is a link for anyone who wants to know a little more about CrossFit. there is a lot to it, and i couldnt explain much of it at all, except its fun and i like it...

http://www.crossfit.com/

i specifically go to http://www.facebook.com/events/178862518913474/180670838732642/?comment_id=180671875399205&notif_t=event_mall_comment#!/CrossFitHappyValley, which is local to me and is connected with the awesome gym gene uses... my coaches name is Keith Zimmer, and he's fucking hardcore.

i honestly think he's a tad crazy, but i really believe to be as successfully as i want to be, i need ot drink a bit of his kool-aid. he knows that i am a really fresh newbie, and has been modifying WODs (workout of the day) in order to help me be successful, but even modified, they kick my ass... i had to take off this week because my crohns has kicked my ass, stomach, everything, and to do Crossfit, while working, just wouldnt have been feasible. plus, my doctors preferred that i not do any working out this week, so i erred on the side of caution.

there really isnt any other way around that.

I have been in the ER 3 times over the past 3 weeks because the pain from my flair is uncontrollable. im bleeding, i have awful cramps that make me double over, i am dizzy, im hardly ever NOT in the bathroom, and im nauseous. i mean, im an uncontrolled crohns patient. that is never fun, and i would only wish it on a few tards i have associated myself with in sad, fleeting moment. *coughcoughcrazykcoughcough*

so i started my humira, as i had built up antibodies in my system to the remicade. i started the injections yesterday, which was a pretty shitty day in itself with everything going on... and side note, these fucking injections feel like they are trying to kill me. they are SO freaking painful!

which is just how my life goes. i need to go through something painful, while already being in pain, to fix the original pain. oy. even the nurse was like, "you cant catch a break, can you?"..

lately, thats how i've felt lately. im not catching a freaking break. i feel like im not valued in life how i would want to be, but that is an entirely different matter. i just keep pushing through. because what other option do i have? i cant quit, bc im tired of quitting when things get hard or difficult... i have a husband who depends on me to stay somewhat sane and reasonable. i have parents who are going through their own junk, so i dont want to include my shit in theirs. i have a sister who is refusing to speak to me for, frankly at this point, i have no idea why other than she is a new mom and doesnt have time for anything that isnt feeding off her or helping her provide for her family. i get it. thats a huge life change, but... ugh, i dont wanna get started on that. it just makes me mad and uncontrollably depressed at the same time...

so thats a 'small' update on life as of now. i do get to see baby chester this weekend, while my sister is having my parents babysit (see, in order to have an relationship with my nephew, i have to sneak to my parents house while they are taking care of him. otherwise, i dont get visiting privilege. again, just a cluster fuck mess)...

i was asked by a friend to post a blog on Apryl and my relationship with her... im thinking i want to do this, but it may take time. its tough to recall the pleasant, but sad, memories.

let me know if you are reading this still by leaving a comment or something... should i continue using this blog for my weightloss or should i broaden my topics?? lemmie know!!

~emily anne

Apryl

this is not related to my weightloss, but its as important...

today, my oldest sister passed away 6 years ago...

it hits me like a ton of bricks EVERY year. i try and prepare, or at least mentally, but it still makes my stomach sink like it just happened.

i miss her so much. sometimes i feel like i have to justify why it makes me so sad, but i cant anymore. apryl, albeit distant in the end, was my sister. she was my blood. i miss her the same way i would miss heather jean, God forbid, she passed away.

i remember being younger and wanting to be JUST like her. she lived in California with her bio-dad, and she was SO worldly! she had fun hair, really long and obviously fake nails, sand like an angel, was going to college, and just was perfect. she always tried to include me, even if it was just by letting me watch her paint her nails or brush her hair. i LOVED listening to her sing. i thought her voice was the best thing i have ever heard.

i found out she died by a phone call from my daddy. he called me right as i was getting on the Max to come home from work. he asked me to come home, but he had a different tone to his voice. i knew something was wrong, and he said he would be coming to get me in 20 minutes. i really knew something was wrong, and made him tell me before i got off the phone. apryl died.

i actually feel like the earth stopped spinning. everything around me faded or got blurry and i just remember holding onto the payphone as it felt like my entire body weighed 700 lbs.

i got on the Max and didnt even care that it was packed full of people. i sobbed in the corner like i ws alone in my room. and in true PDX fashion, people left me alone like the crazy person they thought i was. i dont blame them.

dad picked me up a few minutes later at the max stop, and i just remember looking at him and seeing how sad he was. i know apryl wasnt his biological daughter, but i do know that he loved her, as my dad is an amazing father. he got me back to their house, and i was almost frightened to see my mom. heather jean was already with her, and when i saw my mom, it made it even more real. my sister was dead and that was that.

i still have moments where i feel like i cant breath from the sadness i feel because of her loss. she had flaws and faults as we all do, but she still is my sister. she had such a presence about her, and the world seems a little smaller without her here.

i wish i could say a proper goodbye to her. she deserved more than what i said to her, not knowing that it would be the last time i would ever speak to her.i would give ANYTHING to have one last day with her to snuggle (she gave the best hugs), talk, and hear her voice. she was so proud of me and i will always remember her calling me her "baby sister".

i miss her more than i ever thought possible. it gets easier, as i was told it would, but it doesnt... does that make sense? i can survive 'aniversaries' and significant dates, but they make me feel unbelieveably and uncontrolalby sad.

i really would like to think that she would be proud of me for loosing the weight and getting healthier. i KNOW she would like gene, and i also know she would have grilled him prior to us getting married. she was as loud and opinionated as i am, which makes me smile. i think she would've been the loudest and most proud at my college graduation, with the biggest and most colorful sign screaming my praises. she always had a way of making me feel like i was the most important person and the sister she loved the most (although, im sure she made heather feel like she was her favorite..). i couldnt be anymore proud of call apryl my sister, and am truely blessed for the time we did share. it was far too short, but worth it to have just known her.

 She loved Michael Jon so much...

 She was the second cutest baby ever, after me of course.. :)

 This one is my favorite of her... i've alway loved this picture of her and her son...

this was taken while she was in labor with michael jon... :)

she is the prettiest person i have ever met...

this is the only picture we have of the enitre family... i love this picture more than i can describe...

apryl, i love you.

"Although I cry and stand grief-stricken by your grave,
I promise not to forget the loving memories you gave;
But still I miss you so very much my sister dear,
And your caring words I once again long to hear;
My heart’s only solace is one day I will see you as before,
Beckoning me to come join you on that white distant shore."