i have been lacking complete motivation since my freaking appendectomy and recent crohns flare.. i would like to blame it all on the face that i am still injured or unable to do modified workouts, but that is not the case... it is a sheer case of lack of motivation (or, as im sure my coach would call it, laziness).
i wish i had that gene in me (no pun intended!!! naught joke!!!) that allowed me to have the will and want to go workout everyday.. dont get me wrong, i REALLY like crossfit, and i really enjoy my coach (specially as he has been so great for husband), but its now that i have let time pass and those voices that were preventing me from going before are even louder than they were 3 months ago.. i feel REALLY embarrassed about the fact i'd be start, in essence, from scratch. i was already as new as you can get, and now, i'd be back to that.
i also realize that the crossfit crowd isnt exactly what it is in my head. i feel extremely judge. i feel like all those pretty, thin, and advanced crossfit-ers are judging me and laughing at my inability to do certain WODs or the fact i get winded combing my hair (i dont, but you get the point).
its a lot going on, and as is often the case, my head wins the battle. i justify me not going as the fact my coach doesnt REALLY want to meet up with me for a 30-45 min WOD at 6am. i figure he has better things to do than spend the mornings with me, yelling at me to move quicker or push harder, and frankly, who wants to be yelled at before the sun even rises???
and you know what the kicker is??? i feel like SHIT because i imagine i should be loosing more weight right now than i am, and am shocked when i look at the scale. now, yes. the scale doesnt necessarily show all that is associated with weightloss, but it sure as hell kicks your ass when you've stayed at the same number for about 2 weeks! plus, i was doing pretty decent with feeling ok about myself and my body, but the idea of going to workout around 'the pretty people' shoot my blood pressure up along with my anxiety. and that just circles around to all the justifications i have about why im not going to crossfit right now.
my coach told me early on that the only way to fail at crossfit is to not try, and frankly, im failing. i've let down my husband, who works REALLY hard every day with coach to become an amazing fighter and more healthy person. i've let down my parents who probably still think im going 3-4 times a week, because honestly, i havent told them otherwise (lying by omission is still lying, children!). im letting down my friends who looked up to me for a while because of all the points i was hitting and how hard i was working (maybe "looking up" is a little lofty, but eh, my blog. my dreams). and lastly, and being last isnt lost on me, i've let down myself for obvious reasons.
ugh, this blog is making me more depressed than free. i look at all my reasons and excuses and it is even more obvious how lame i am on 'paper'.
i need to get back into it. but again, im lacking the motivation. ugh, i need coach to come live at my house and that way he will MAKE me work out at least 3-4 days.. dreams...
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| now if only this was true, i'd be warm AND have more motivation!!! |
